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Dont you just hate it when someone asks you to guess their age, and then you minus off 5 years of what you really think, hoping its enough? 
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Just texted "I still love you" to about 50 random phone numbers.
Who decided to make it a 12 step program for A.A…I mean why steps…I think steps would be the last thing they'd wanna maneuver…
Oh you want me to "make time" for you? Well, if I could "make time" I wouldn't be wasting that skill on you.
My panties are so wet right now! Granted they are in the washing machine, but still.
My friend asked me if his car's blinker worked. I checked and said: yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.
President's Day: a day the USA remembers when it had presidents worth celebrating.
Do you know what it feels like to become insane? It's a war between being told who you are and knowing who you are... Which do you think wins?
I just got arrested by a drunk cop. He keeps asking why I pulled him over. There's something wrong here.
I'm not a smartass... Just being around me makes you feel like a dumbass...
I named my d!ck "Hopes" because I like to keep my hopes up.
The other day, I read something that made me piss myself. It was a sign, it said "Toilets closed."
This census and Tax stuff is crap. I want to live in a country that doesn't assign homework.
Facebook Privacy Settings Tip: See where it says, "Automatically share my personal information with identity thieves, sex offenders and all my psycho exes? Yeah, you're gonna wanna unclick THAT box.
If you send me a "send this back" text, I will send it back to you 100 times.
it just me, or does "I Am Number Four" just sound like a really bad Brett Favre pickup line?
FACEBOOK IS A HELL OF A DRUG!!!
"What is that? A banana? Aw who gives a $hit?" -Disinterested George
Dear REALLY Cool Car Owner, Seems your car felt the need to take 2 parking spots today…I read once that this is caused by a lack of social skills, so that is why I dinged it up a bit, and left this message via key…just trying to help it ‘fit in'†