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I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing. To let me know when I am wrong. 
The only thing I've ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I don't understand why this loan manager won't get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Over 50 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else's skin before you can feel comfortable in your own. --Psycho Therapy
I've just been voted the most secretive person in the world... I can't tell you what it means to me.
I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked.. but that’s rare.
I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.
Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.
I've been trying out the rum diet this week, I've lost 2 days already.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Great... I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn't work Now I have a spider that won't stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN me: hi Danny Devito: well hello there
cant fool us you swamp rat below, go vote for Bernie and let the rest of intelligent people post 