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I am so clever sometimes I don't even understand what I'm saying. 
This world would be slot nicer if your parents didn't have kids
My wife has got a Licence To Kill. Or Driving Licence as she likes to calls it.
Cotton is getting expensive huh... If only there was a way to get people to pick cotton for free...hm
Called in my Napalm Strike and fried a whole bunch of Burritos.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
Keep calm and mentally undress your celebrity crush
That awkward moment when your parents are looking over your shoulder at your Facebook page, and you dont know what to do..
Dear Superman, I understand... I have a weakness for a certain type of rock too. Sincerely, Lindsay Lohan..
When I sing I think I sound like an angel.. (; When really, I sound like a dying walrus!
If I die, I'm gonna become a ghost....... and watch attractive people shower....
If I had nickel for everyime you made me angry, I'd put them in a bag and beat you with them.
feeling like a boss when you type without looking and you dont make any mistakes
African mother to her child: "You better be happy you're that skinny, there's fat kids in America that wish they were as skinny as you!"
Sticking your hand up in the air, and looking at it for no reason while you're lying in bed
The only pick up line guys will need on December 20th, 2012 is --> "let's live every day as if it's our last"
Some girls needs to stop freaking out about being called "dude". Just keep calm, it's basically a unisex term
Elementary School: YAY CRAYONS! =) Middle School: Crayons? What am I, 3? -__- High School: HOLY SH*T, CRAYONS!
Bad: Having a song stuck in your head. Worse: Having a song stuck in your head that you don't know all the words to.
A paper cut is the paper's way of saying,"If I was still a tree, I would give you a damn splinter,but this is the best I can do" 