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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met 
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It goes back & forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to time it just right so I don't get caught.
Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone.
How did a fool and his money ever get together in the first place?
I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your part
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
Charlie Sheen was asked to take a drug test. His response.. "Sure, what drug do you want me to test?"
You hold a door open for an old lady and you're a hero. You smell her hair as she walks past and suddenly you're a pervert.
May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice
Religions change; beer and wine remain.
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
Here's what I've learned about dogs: They're a lot like pretty girls. Having one or two around makes everything more fun, but when you get a whole bunch together, it turns into one big power struggle. 