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I really want a Klondike Bar, but I'm fresh out of ideas...... 
Despite a great life, I feel all empty inside, Must be time for lunch.
A lonely man put an ad in the paper saying "wife wanted" The next day, he checked he had 40 messages, all of them saying "You can have mine!"
My buddy told me "My wife is an angel" I told him "You're lucky! Mine is still alive"
I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and every one of them was a cracker.
Worst possible life moment.... Driving down the interstate, a few miles past the "next exit 80 miles" sign, and you realize you have a sudden onset of diahrrea
I got a phone call saying "Excuse me, do you know for sure that you've been saved by the Lord?" I said "Why, has he told you something?"
I thought my dog was crazy for humping the air... then one day I tried it. It's pretty underrated
When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
when life gives you dilemmas, make dilemmanade!
I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up
Women like saying "I'm not short, I'm fun sized", so I tell them the same thing in bed.
If snitches get stitches.. You can call me Scarface
if you love something and you were dumb enough to let it go then you didn't deserve it in the first place.
Year 2050 Son: "Dad,how did you meet mom?" Dad: "Aaah my son..... it all started with a friend request on facebook."
My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realise that i'm good at being drunk!
WORK is AWESOME!! It's the only way to get constantly screwed 5 days in a row without the fear of pregnancy or disease.. Just saying..
there are plenty of fish in the sea, ya just gotta wiggle your worm!
INSTALLING SPRING... ████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 33% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again
justin bieber said he was having a baby. Usher was like OMG. Katy Perry set off fireworks. Bruno Mars thoght they were grenades. Eminem was like I'm not afraid. Jason Derulo said Whatcha Say? Then Nelly said it was only just a dream. 