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When being chased by police, you're best chance is to throw the passenger out the window. They will most likely stop for them, so you can get away. 
Hey, Don't blame me, I voted for the white dude!
I'm a cowgirl...and you can be my cowboy...but only if you wear levis..cus wranglers strangle the boys
Just found out that if you bake ice cream it does NOT make ice cream cake
I'm pretty Fry for a Rice guy.
90 people have swine flu(H1N1), and everyone wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom
If politicians are the answer, then it must have been a damn stupid question
Whoever said 'Laughter is a medicine with no side effects' obviously never pee'd themselves from laughing
I refuse to jump on the 'I hate Mondays' bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
when a stripper asks you to beat the hard level on angry birds you DO IT!!!!!
"If you spare the rod and you spoil the child"... More like if you spare the rod, there is no child.
whiskey: the official beverage of the FML
Going clubbing. ok, it's just to Sam's Club, but I'm trying to make it more glam.
Ohhh! who lives in the kitchen, chained to the sink? Sponge mom sweatpants!
doing laundry. nothing says "I love you" like clean underwear.
The "b" in the word "subtle" sure is dumb.
People think smoking is hard to quit......but new statistics show that it aint s#it compared to quitting Facebook
If someone throws a stone at you...Throw a flower at them,,just make sure its still in the pot ;p
umm I don't consider that a one night stand... That was a audition..
If you have to wake me up to ask to borrow something, the answer is hell no. 