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90 people have swine flu(H1N1), and everyone wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom 
If politicians are the answer, then it must have been a damn stupid question
Whoever said 'Laughter is a medicine with no side effects' obviously never pee'd themselves from laughing
I refuse to jump on the 'I hate Mondays' bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
when a stripper asks you to beat the hard level on angry birds you DO IT!!!!!
"If you spare the rod and you spoil the child"... More like if you spare the rod, there is no child.
whiskey: the official beverage of the FML
Going clubbing. ok, it's just to Sam's Club, but I'm trying to make it more glam.
Ohhh! who lives in the kitchen, chained to the sink? Sponge mom sweatpants!
doing laundry. nothing says "I love you" like clean underwear.
The "b" in the word "subtle" sure is dumb.
People think smoking is hard to quit......but new statistics show that it aint s#it compared to quitting Facebook
If someone throws a stone at you...Throw a flower at them,,just make sure its still in the pot ;p
umm I don't consider that a one night stand... That was a audition..
If you have to wake me up to ask to borrow something, the answer is hell no.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don't look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
The flea market, but I don't call it the flea market. I break it down into sections. Little Mexico, The Illegal Purse District, Pirated Pathway, and Hot in the Shade.
Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.
When I was 18, I really thought I was in love. So, I asked my grandfather. ‘ is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
We now live in a society where a prostitute earns more money than a school teacher. This means we have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers. 