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Dear Air Traffic Contollers, It's not enought that the FAA has security patting down 6 year olds, but for the love of God, take a six pack of Red Bull in a cooler with you when you go to work at night. Sincerely, the public. 
*Home phone rings* Me-Hello Tom-Hey dude where r you (dude r you stupid,,,u called my home number nd you asking me where I am.....wtf)
I hate when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.
Drunk people run stop signs. High people wait for them to turn green.
If Obama really wanted to impress me, he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.
really starting to believe that my bosses 'other car' is a broomstick
oh the pain, hurts so good, I almost get breathless, so so hot baby, got to be the best hot wings ever
If next Friday , the Friday before Easter has always been known as Good Friday ( Which sort of bothered me because it was far from a Good Friday for our Crucified Savior) shouldn't the Friday before Palm Sunday be known at least as Mediocre Friday?
I just watched a mattress commercial where the lady said, "It feels really good, no matter what position I'm in".....Why can't I meet a woman like that????
If your man enough to hit it, your mand enough to take care of it.
Hey I like how you do your makeup! Really? Thanks :) Ya do you just dip your face in or use a brush?
wishes the movie concession stand would give her enough snacks to last after the trailers are over...
Well I was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
What if love was like volleyball... all you have to do is call 'MINE!' and everyone else backs off...
Sometimes I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.
"Kidnapping" is such a strong word... I prefer to say "surprise adoption."
Stevie Wonders first text message: "lajjeoijalfweap'ojiejreojafjaoa;jfoweajaofjaofji"
My Friends Told Me To Get A Life,Instead I Got A Wife And Now I Miss My Life.........
What Do Roads And Women Have In Common...."Manholes"
When I'm using Facebook mobile I always tag myself in my bed with 2 randcom chicks on my friends list. 