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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks... Cost me an arm and a leg! 
It's amazing what that one degree can do in your home temp wise, up or down.
Of course, I could kill you with kindness. But honestly, crushing your ego with sarcasm is just more my style.
Have you ever used the bathroom and pushed so hard you reset your back.
Well behaved men rarely make history.
Boss: Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.40. When do you want to start? Me: In 6 months.
I really hope my life doesn't flash before my eyes when I pass away. There are some things I'd rather not see again.
I'm basically Superman except he has super vision and I require it
I need to get back in shape but I'm kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort in.
I've heard of people being "generation x" or " generation z"..... if I had to label my family, we would be "generation AA" we go to meetings about it
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October. I call it my jingle bell rock.
I think people on the road nowadays must know that I have psychic abilities able to read they're minds, especially when they don't use their blinkers.
Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands. Follow me for more money saving tips. 😎
A lady in the grocery store asked me why some eggs were white, and some were brown. I told her the brown ones were whole wheat. 🤣
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you". I couldn't believe it... You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
If you put a carved pumpkin on your porch this early in the month just to watch it rot that's called, "premature ejackolantern."
I took pregnancy while autistic so now I'm Tylenol.
Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by the way dogs react to him. For instance, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be the one.
Saw a homeless guy's sign that said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." So l kept my dollar... just in case he's right
Nothing like a cross-dressing, h0m0, derivative, Spanish singing douche to perform at the SB halftime show 