Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My 2 lesbian neighbour got me a watch for my birthday :/ I think they misunderstood me when they asked to me what do you want for birthday and I said: I WANNA WATCH!!

   I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.

   I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.

   Nothing is impossible as long as you don't have to do it yourself

   Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

   I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like about it is I have to leave my driveway doing 60 mph.

   Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the 'S'

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom

   Middle age is when you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

   Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

   Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others

   Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

   I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

   Do you work for subway? Cause you just gave me a foot long.

   God says the we should be humble, it good to know I am doing right, because I am more humble than anyone else I know, I am probably the humble person there is.

   Hmmm.. That's weird... I was the 100,000 visitor yesterday too... Winning streak!

   I've heard that hair dye goes to your head. You must use the Nice & Easy brand.

   swimming less than 30 minutes after a meal.. Thug life baby!!

   People point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

   Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package....