Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   was preparing for Sunday, but I just realized that post-rapture looting makes no sense because so many of us will still be here. Particularly people in public office and law enforcement.... : (

   just heard Justin Bieber was in a car accident.... He is okay but he did break his hymen.

   Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

   I bet that in prison everyone's FB relationship status is set to "it's complicated".

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.

   I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet.

   I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.

   When I heard about Arnold, I immediately pictured Rosie from the Goonies!

   Dude chill, it's GYM, not the olympics

   If you see only one hilarious movie about wacky bridesmaids this week... make it “Thor.”

   heard Charlie Sheen's pissed now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the front runner for "Schmuck Of The Year" award!

   It's not a Toomah!!

   Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices..

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible..

   I think all women who say, "All men are Jerks" mean to say, "All the men I chose to date are jerks" or put simply, "I am attracted to jerks"

   I think I'm going to call in raptured to work on monday

   When I see a woman post consistantly that "All men suck!", I reply with either "Perhaps the problem lies with you." Or "Tell us again who makes the choice to date these a$$holes?"

   Irony would be Arnold having an illegitimate son named John Conner

   I only make mental bets and coincidentally I've lost my mind.