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Chris Brown: If you had only used Whips & Chains, instead of Sticks & Stones, you may have avoided jail time... 
thinking I could definitely meet my weight loss goal if I had to pedal to use the computer
I smell bacon.....I smell pork! Run little piggies cuz I got a fork!
I remember long ago I was going to make a big splash in this world...Turns out it was only a fart in the tub of life.
Another fun day in Oz, toto
just heard that Harold Camping is the new front running Republican presidential candidate
Hangover 2 people Hangover 2.
this guy predicting the apocalypse is camping? Seriously, all this brouhaha caused by one homeless guy?
Guy's and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pisses as hard as he can on the poop stains.
The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.
Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?
Nice guys let her finish first, twice.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies... with a smile.
It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.
wonders, If I follow a leprechaun on twitter, would it somehow lead me to a pot gold?
Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries.
That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.
sometime you have to take a step back and really look at yourself to help you figure out who you want to be.
Every morning around this time I start to wonder if I'm the maury type
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