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The squiggly red lines you get when typing in Word documents are your computer's allergic reaction to dumb. 
I had to sit on the floor at the airport so I could charge my phone and iPad. This must be what the depression felt like.
Whats with people who reach facebook maximum friends limit and have to open another account to accommodate more new friends? Are you really that popular or you are just a slut?
a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!
It's rush hour and a million people are going West and a million are going East. We should either swap jobs or swap houses
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it ?
Who came up with kisses? The very first kiss must've been creepy "What're you doing why R you sucking my face?" "Jus trust me on this one"
Release the hounds Smithers!
If women made cat calls at men & stared at our crotches, betcha WE wouldn't be offended.
a light eater . As soon as it is light he starts eating.
My friend lost his tongue in a industry accident , he doesn't talk about it
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly .
My grandfather used to get up at 5am every morning and deliver milk to people's doorsteps in a horse-drawn cart.... He wasn't a milkman , he was clinically insane.
my girlfriend dresses to kill .Coincidentally , she also cooks the same way.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized...lol :P
I'm almost sure she's cheating on me with her boyfriend.
Losing his kidneys at candy mountain
Tina you Fat lard come get some dinner
You know methane gas is odorless right? That's why I add the odor to mine so you guys know if I have a leak!
I just let a disturbance in the force. 