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Got in a fight. You should see the other guys....they are perfectly fine. 
Why is it that whenever I wish someone a happy birthday they always assume Facebook reminded me? Do you ever think maybe just maybe I care that much to remember the day you were born.
An Arab invented the original mechanical clock, which is odd since Arabs are never on time.
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Of course I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong
I still don't understand how finishing my food is going to save a starving child in Africa.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?"
People should STOP complaining about Facebook's privacy settings. If you want some PRIVACY, you should go back to Myspace.
a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!
Teacher: From all this noise I assume you're done working Student: From all this b**ching I assume you're still single
I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.
Just learned the hard way not to scream hi to my friend jack on a plane.
I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.
The hardest thing in life is letting go of what you thought was real.
► Play the moments ▌▌ Pause the memories ■ Stop the pain ◄◄ Rewind the happiness. Be a remote in your life
Having kids is like a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next." "No, you can't really fly - next."
What's all this about Lebron being a Weiner?
Apparently, people go to "sex rehab" because there isn't a "got busted being stupid" rehab!
Just had 2 thoughts during my massage. 1.I hope my body is not in an odd position when I die. 2.I don't think I've ever seen a live otter."
The paper shredder will shred Pop-Tarts! I repeat: THE PAPER SHREDDER WILL SHRED POP TARTS!
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