Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   To my 23 friends who are online on Facebook chat at noon on a Tuesday. Get a job you losers.

   If I look intrigued while your talking to me it's because I'm thinking about how to give less f*cks about what you're saying.

   I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.

   When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to. When a guy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two.

   Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

   I'd like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday.

   No darling 56 guys didnt like your profile pic because you are "pretty." They liked it cause your BOOBS are hanging out.

   Ive made mistakes;been a mistake;met/been involved with some mistakes;learned from mistakes;will make other mistakes-I'm not perfect;but dont mistake me for an idiot.!!!

   I didn't say you were stupid! I said “It's too bad you can't get by on your looks.”

   Congressman Weiner's wife: "ANTHONY!!! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   If the 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter he'd kick my ass.

   Do you know what I find interesting? ...Neither does this person who keeps talking to me.

   Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

   I think that there are two kinds of people in the world: people who put raisins in cookies & people I like.

   Revenge is a dish best served steaming hot! So your enemies burn their tongue.

   why is my imaginary friend SO good at hide and seek?

   Ever notice how the most tattooed guy everywhere you go is the one thats always broke?

   When I'm rich, I'm going to dictate my status updates to my secretary, and my butler will press the share button.

   Yes I look at the accident after Ive waited in traffic to pass it, its my turn.