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The best part of a Lady Gaga song is when it ends 
Don't you just hate those people that just stroll across the street like they are so important/cool and have no consideration for anybody else? I'm changing the sound of my horn to gunfire.
a new postage stamp shaped like a vAjAy was introduced yesterday but it's not selling well cos only 5% of men know how 2 lick it properly!
What do you call an Oklahoma farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. ;)
If you always have to be right, then that's the first thing wrong with you.
that 'aquard' moment when you cant spell "awkward"...
If I get any more awesome I'll have to pay a luxury tax
A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."
Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.
Got back from lunch a little late today...I stopped at the bank and got stuck behind someone trying to do a hostile takeover through the ATM...
"I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." Mother Teresa
Day by day, nothing really changes. Yet when you look back, everything seems different.
A dad walks in on his blind son who is beating off. Dad says "you better slow down or you'll go....nevermind son."
A soulpatch is like a Corvette for your face.
There should be some kind of a law against guys putting their girlfriend's photos on their profile pic. I am tired of sending friends request based on profile pics only to be confronted by a dude.
After years of frowning at us and shaking their heads disapprovingly,we find out that the sanctimonious "goody two shoes" Canadians are bad losers. I feel better about myself.
why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
so impatient he flushes the toilet before he's finished peeing.
In the spirit of Father's Day, my best advice to you: "Keep your "business" in your pants, and always wash your hands".
I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..
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