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How good something is has no bearing on how popular it will become. 
To all the women I've dated. If we have a secret love child together that you never told me about, just have them get me a giftcard for Father's Day. Thanks!
Beer, you and me. In the kitchen. Now.
Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus
I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet
To all those that use our competitors brand...Happy Father's Day From the people of Durex
♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫ *clap…clap*
Dear guys that keep sending me creepy messages telling me how much you want me: You have as much of a chance with me as a midget does of being the next NBA superstar.
10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'
I like my women like I like my coffee....Ethically purchased from small farming cooperatives in South America and delivered to me on the back of a donkey.
Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.
Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.
this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H
What do you do when you have a Tiger chasing you from behind, a Bear on your right and a Cheetah on your left? GET YOUR DRUNK ASS OF THE MERRY GO ROUND!!!
Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!
I'll be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damm house! OCD'ers...Cheaper than maid service!
The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm gonna pay with.
Just hooked up with a woman whose ass has dimples. This is gonna be an interesting night. Goodnight everybody.
I have written a list of all the good and bad things I wanna do tonight. And you are number one on both sides.
The bigger the sunglasses, the crazier the chic.
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