Funny Status Messages

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans how can a mask made of cloth protect you from Corona?

   .. If there was a liars hall of fame. He would be first person inducted.

   What do you call a man who has everything?...... A bachelor.

   The two things a wife can do to make her husband happy are, pack her bags and leave.

   They should change the name of our galaxy from the Milky Way to the Snickers. Let's face it, we're all nuts.

   Quarantine starting to feel like Vegas in my house. Alcohol is acceptable at any hour, I’m losing money by the minute, and I don’t even know what time it is.

   If we are being honest, we all have dated a man/woman that we would feed to a tiger.

   Your biggest mistake was grossly underestimating the number of egg rolls I can eat.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I'm just gonna go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

   What do you do if you are an atheist and your stuck behind a car that has a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumber sticker?

   Calling occupents of interplannetary craft ..

   3 addictions I have while quarantined 1) restaurants 2) nonessential businesses 3)touching my face

   I need this find a stay-at-home job. Hey Facebook you hiring?

   I can't believe it's already 5 o clock and almost time to get moving from the couch to the refrigerator.

   Two more rolls of duct tape and I should have this tv mounted.

   Have a toke, it's not peer pressure, it's just your turn man

   I miss the old everybody. Ain't nobody the same no more.

   How come the same people who don’t trust the government telling us to stay home all of a sudden trust the government when they tell us it’s OK to go back?