Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you're cooking alphabet soup on the stove and leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

   If you can't afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don't know where you are!

   I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them.

   i've seen more a$$ then a toilet seat

   I always say the things better left unsaid.

   Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

   Monday, quit being such a ba$+ard.

   I had to make small talk with a bum at a freeway exit ramp because I couldn't roll up my window in time to ignore him

   What's the best way to keep from wrinkling? Keep fat.

   A positive to being overweight: you fill the bathtub up real quick, and save money on your water bill.

   I would shoot you, but why end your misery.

   This year I broke ties with Winter, She was pretty mad and told Summer about me. So our relationship has benn stormy and a little chilly at times.

   Actually my ex was a good cook, I have the waist to prove it, nothing else.

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her she looks extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   Daily log Monday morning, 9:49am: I have decided I am done trying until Friday night, I've already been here too long this week.

   I wish instead of aiming to please, I could just start shooting to kill. I think it would make me feel better.

   photo albums become less interesting when all the hot chicks know how to use privacy settings :P

   Those people who think that a woman's place is in the kitchen obviously never had my ex-wife's cooking....

   How long before a gator eats somebody on that show called Swamp People? "Choot 'em, Clint, Choot 'em!"

   I walked passed the fridge earlier an thought I heard the BeeGees, when I opened the door it was only a chive talking.