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When David Beckham scored, I'd drink BECKS, when Paul Scholes scored, I'd drink SKOL, when Kenny Miller scored, I'd drink MILLER. Thank God David Seaman played as a goalkeeper! 
It didn't look that hot from inside, but as soon as I stepped outside, it was like Satan farted in my face...
How do you stop a man breaking in your house?? Replace the locks with bra fasteners.
went to a movie tonight with 18 blonds!!! they said because 18 and under was not allowed
I wish the world were a fly and I was a giant rolled up newspaper.
Scrolling down your Facebook News Feed can sometimes be just like scrolling down the spam folder in your yahoo mail.
If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
USED CAR FOR SALE CHEAP !!! Drives great, Low Mileage, Car trunk smells like chloroform and dead animals. Contact: Casey Marie Anthony, Inmate #08049710, at Orange County Jail, P.O. Box 4970, Orlando, FL 32802-4970, or call (407) 836-3400
this status update is dedicated to all the status-less people out there, stay strong
in a recent poll asking if illegal immigration is a problem...A: yes 20%, B: no 10%, C: no comprende 70%
girls should come with a carfax
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he's just going to use it for drugs and alcohol, and then I thought... That's what I'm going to use it for
Walmart, because going to Target requires a shower
Why can't braille just be in the shape of the letters?
80% of people have a brain, the other 20% are in my friend list clicking on spam as we speak
I can already hear the birds judging me for sleeping till noon tomorrow.
whenever I get tired of being single I take a dump on myself, to remember what its like to be in a relationship
i hate it when you go to a vuvuzela concert and people start playing soccer
If you lose something let it go, but when it comes back, that's how you know. 