Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet

   To all those that use our competitors brand...Happy Father's Day From the people of Durex

   ♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫ *clap…clap*

   Dear guys that keep sending me creepy messages telling me how much you want me: You have as much of a chance with me as a midget does of being the next NBA superstar.

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'

   I like my women like I like my coffee....Ethically purchased from small farming cooperatives in South America and delivered to me on the back of a donkey.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   What do you do when you have a Tiger chasing you from behind, a Bear on your right and a Cheetah on your left? GET YOUR DRUNK ASS OF THE MERRY GO ROUND!!!

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   I'll be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damm house! OCD'ers...Cheaper than maid service!

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm gonna pay with.

   Just hooked up with a woman whose ass has dimples. This is gonna be an interesting night. Goodnight everybody.

   I have written a list of all the good and bad things I wanna do tonight. And you are number one on both sides.

   The bigger the sunglasses, the crazier the chic.

   I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is that "Ass The Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well.

   I will be hosting the next meeting of the Somerset Time Travel club. It will be held Wednesday of last week. We will be serving breakfast for supper. Please plan to attend! We really missed you next week.

   seeing all these profile pics of old men in honor of Father's Day is giving me the creeps. My wall looks more like a list of sex offenders..

   what you're awesome at black ops? wow, dedication and no life right there