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Fortune Cookies Lie... 
Thinks that there should be handicapped parking for drunk and stoned people..just saying.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
I must go to work! there are people on welfare depending on me.
Empty bottle of Tequila......Waking up fluent in Spanish.......Coincidence?? I think NOT....;)
in most cases you can remove 90% of a girls "beauty" with a wet Kleenex
What were the Beckhams thinking, calling their baby girl Harper Seven? If she'd been born 15 minutes later she could have been Kwarta Eight LOL
A girl sleeps wit a lot of men she's a sl*t, but if a guy sleeps with alot of women he's the man. Not a double standard, look at it like this. If a key opens alot of locks it's a master key, if a lock gets opened by alot of keys then it's a sh*tty lock.
It's for freakin hot that I bet that there are some women ovulating poached eggs.
I'm setting Casey Anthony up on a blind date with my friend Dexter Morgan, who is also from Florida.
The capital of Montana is not Hannah.
Brooklyn was conceived in brooklyn, Romeo in rome, Cruz on a cruise and harper 7 conceived on 7 pints of harp
Skinny girls think their chubby, chubby girls think their fat, fat girls think their obese and obese girls think their supermodels
Pepsi and Coke the Crips and bloods of the cola world
i'm not a stalker I just like impromptu games of follow the leader...... to their house
Regular hobos live in a card board box Greek mythology Hobos live in Pandora's box
sometimes when I bleed I pretend I just had a red Gatorade and that i'm just sweating like a pro
Everytime I see a guy with a shark teeth necklace I think..."There goes the world's most bad ass toothfairy"
Every man will claim he's different. Every man will claim he's loyal. Every man will claim he is your knight in shining amour. Every man will claim he is your prince. But no man will ever claim he is full of sh*t.
i'm going to open a asian restauraunt on a boat and call it the Thai-tantic
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