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Beginning Monday, all you queerdos can go back in the closet. 
SpaceX’s Starship rocket launched from Texas yesterday, women not familiar with spaceflight can relate. After liftoff it had lots of thrust, got up really fast! Then exploded minutes later.
There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm already doing 70 in a 35 zone. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.
Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a very bad idea.
Just go, Brandon!
Welcome to Facebook. Please be patient - someone will disagree with you shortly.
Based on my life choices so far, my guardian angel lied on their resume.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that..
You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign two miles ago like I did.
I've decided my 2025 will start on February 1st. January is a free trial month.
Beyonce and Taylor Swift said they are sending their prayers to the fire victims in California. I feel like such a jerk. All I did was send them money.
Some days I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Dear people who are praying for the California wildfires... it's not working.
When you have absolutely nothing to smile about, do it anyway. It pisses people off!!
I don’t need to watch the news to tell me how hard it’s going to snow, as I can always tell by how many loaves of bread are left on the shelf at the supermarket.
You gotta love these women on Facebook that never ♥️ your posts because they're married. Meanwhile, their husbands are flirting with anything that has 2 holes and a heartbeat.
You know what really burns my ass? The California wildfires.
Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.
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