Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

   GRAPEVINE??? lol Noooope I heard it through FACEBOOK lololol

   I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from Harry Potter. When your best friend gets the girl, bang his sister instead!

   OCCUPATION: Bullsh*t Recognition Specialist.

   Neighbor asked if I knew anything about the clothes that were missing from his clothesline. I was so nervous I almost crapped his pants.

   I am not a mirror: I see you completely differently from the way you see yourself. Bear that in mind next time you want to ask me how you look.

   I like the fact that a pie in the face only gets a ten minute meeting suspension. England runs a tight ship. Let's clean him up and resume.

   I downloaded the sound of a toilet flushing and made it my ex's ringtone to remind me what a piece of s@#T he is.

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   My phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass! I guess this thing really is a smartphone.

   They are not my haters, they are my fans! They just don't know it yet.

   Whenever I need a quiet night at my house I just tell all my friends that I'm moving and need them to come over and help.

   Keep your guests on their toes by disabling the flush mechanism on all the toilets in your house and filling the medicine cabinets with marbles.

   Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes.

   I hate when I have trouble opening a jar or bottle I closed myself earlier -- a time when, obviously, I possessed superhuman strength and no regard for the weaker me I would eventually become.

   They say 50% of status updates are written while sitting on the toilet… that's why I don't buy used mobiles.

   There's a fine line between a 5pm meeting and a hostage situation.

   I just found out that a married couple I know share the same birthday with each other. I said "WOW, Twins!". They said "Uh, nooo..." I said, "Then why are your kids so stupid?"

   Well, Just crossed something else off my bucket list. I didn't do it I just got to damn old to do it.

   Sometimes I talk to a strangers like we're old friends and then hope that they walk away thinking "Where the hell do I know that guy from?"