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If ur the type of guy who is embarrassed to pick up tampons for ur girlfriend, well live through just one "I'm late" false alarm buddy & the next time you will be skipping down the grocery aisle waving them over your head and shouting, "I've got tampons!" 
"I'm open-minded" usually translates into, "My fetish is pretty intense, how weird can yours be?"
A lesson I learned in the hospital... when you push the help call button you might as well pull out a book. But when you masturbate while forgetting you're attached to a heart monitor, it sets off alarms in the nurses station and they show up within secon
Oh my god!! What is that enormous red gasious ball of fire in the sky that's making everyone take their clothes off???!?!?
Well, the NFL players have officially decided that I will not be spending Sundays with my family this Fall...
Stop telling me how to do my job! I don't go down to your work and knock the d!ck out your mouth, do I?
thinking that some people should get two Facebook accounts...one for each face
I think there should be a hotline that won't answer for people who never take advice in the first place.
Thank you flies, for flying in my face, buzzing by my ears and vomiting on my food, but becoming invisible the moment I pick up the swatter
Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5
Lesbians don't hate men. You must be thinking of married straight women.
Parents should be reminded, gently and often, that "I love you ANYWAY" is not a compliment.
"Can all those mourners outside Amy Whinehouse's house please form a line......its what she would've wanted!"
When you start working on your own manifesto, its time to go talk to the professionals in the mental health industry.
worried that my latest Goodwill donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s
Excuse me underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...
I may not have 'hoes' in different area codes but I'm pretty sure I've left a phone charger in most of them.
If a robber ever breaks in, I'll just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he'll leave because I have first dibs.
Sinners can undoubtedly be reformed, but stupid, stupid is forever.
Don't think of yourself as a failure, think of yourself as unspoiled by success. 