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Thank you flies, for flying in my face, buzzing by my ears and vomiting on my food, but becoming invisible the moment I pick up the swatter 
Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5
Lesbians don't hate men. You must be thinking of married straight women.
Parents should be reminded, gently and often, that "I love you ANYWAY" is not a compliment.
"Can all those mourners outside Amy Whinehouse's house please form a line......its what she would've wanted!"
When you start working on your own manifesto, its time to go talk to the professionals in the mental health industry.
worried that my latest Goodwill donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s
Excuse me underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...
I may not have 'hoes' in different area codes but I'm pretty sure I've left a phone charger in most of them.
If a robber ever breaks in, I'll just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he'll leave because I have first dibs.
Sinners can undoubtedly be reformed, but stupid, stupid is forever.
Don't think of yourself as a failure, think of yourself as unspoiled by success.
After suffering my 5000th stubbed toe, I believe now is the time to invent "Nerf" end tables!
just set up an eMeeting with myself, but it was a no show
sitting here at my command center wondering which country I will systematically destroy today... ~stroking my beard~
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
A good woman will do 70 chores around the house. Cooking and 69
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive
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