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weird. I was playing mini golf and this angry dude from New Zealand offered to carry my putter and kept swatting my wifes camera out of her hand 
my buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
need to check my wifes license...apparently she changed her name to Princess without telling me
I have never been a big fan of Mr. Bubble. I find it odd that I'm not allowed to be on a first-name basis with someone who has seen me naked hundreds of times
there is a good chance my eyes will be red tomorrow
I've just popped down with my floral tribute to Amy Winehouse, last years Xmas tree. It's the perfect tribute, 5 & a half feet, dead & surrounded by needles.
my mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-b*tch"
A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.
a drinking problem...I can't afford it
have you ever noticed that "lol" looks like some guy frantically waving his hands in the air?
told his mum that the screaming coming from the tv was in fact tennis players grunting when hitting the ball...Don't think she fell for it!
Its a stank fishy smell in the air...the prostitutes must be overheating
I am so bored I'm logging in and out of facebook for entertainment!
"I don't care if it takes 10 years, a war and trillions of dollars, I will find you." - Me about figuring out who unfriended me on Facebook.
Saying "cool" also means, I don't give a sh!t.
I get hit on by so many cougar, the discovery channel & Antiques road show offered me my own show called Vintage Gash Hunter
People treat you differently when you're holding a baby. Especially in strip clubs.
"This pu55y won't eat itself!" "Actually, those leggings are proving otherwise."
Still haven't figured out how to inflate a balloon with farts. Still no way I'm gonna stop trying.
The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.
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