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Well-behaved people rarely make history. 
I generally don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
wondering if you choke a smurf......what color will he turn??
Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself.
What a day, I'm so tired already! I sent three faxes, answered the phone once, had lunch, made a paper airplane and sent 452 updates.
Wow, some people will do anything for a "like" on Facebook. Anyways if you agree like my status.
The benefit of always going in to work late is that when you're on time, people think you're early.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
May those who love us love us, and those who do not love us, may God turn their hearts, and if He cannot turn their hearts may He turn their ankles that we may know them by their limping.
due to the london roits , london calling and anarchy in the uk sales have soared
I wish I had more cents, scents, or sense!
We get it, London, you're better at rioting than Vancouver, you can stop now.
Just saw graffiti of someone's Twitter name. It's official- the world is ending.
ever look at your old pillow without its case? Looks like a civil war bandage. Do our heads ooze syrup when we sleep?
I don't spank my kid, I find waving the gun works so much better
Watching Nat geographic channel all day, I now know how not to smuggle drugs across our border and how to Breakout of jail if I'm locked up abroad.
I am so hungry I can eat a horse and a small fries. 