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Too many funerals and not enough graduations. Too many baby showers, not enough weddings. 
someone accused me of being patronizing! that means I treat people like their stupid.
Dear Enemies, I have so much more for you to be mad about. Just be patient.
I tell people secrets, it makes them like me.
Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.
Remember, if you don't sin Jesus died for nothing
I like to write out my self-worth in roman numerals. It looks so much more impressive.
well America looks like you can kill little girls and get away with it these days...Who wants to track down Bieber with me?
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs
A rich girl on a safari tour in South Africa saw a crocodile for the first time.... and screamed, Oh my God! LACOSTE
I may have opened the door, but you entered of your own free will.
Dear "LOL".....Thanks for helping me make people think their jokes were funny.
I have a stable job but women leave right after I tell them how hard it is dealing with horses
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and beer gut and still think they're sexy...
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?
I like to keep confetti in my underwear. That way when a girl gets there she knows its party time!
Sometimes I want to send animal crackers to PETA..... half eaten
Even fire will break out in a sweat in this weather and then put itself out.
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.
I really dont get the need for these giant 24 hour combination superstores. I have never in the middle of the night decided I just had to have a chainsaw, bicycle helmet and whipped cream.... wait... I take that back....
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