Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't care if people call you the space cowboy, gangster of love or Maurice. I think you're delusional.

   Error 4:04 A.M. no sleep available

   The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.

   I forgot my "smart" phone at home today, and I must say...it's kinda nice!

   I wish I could commute by roller coaster.

   Forrest Gump taught us a strange life lesson: Be completely unaware of all success you've achieved and you'll own 50% of a billion dollar shrimpin' company.

   The LA Dodgers are so broke, three players tested positive for Top Ramen

   Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life..... Dispatcher: What is your emergency? CA: Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Dispatcher: Okay Miss Anthony, try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days

   Using a coupon is kind of like playing with your pen!s... At first you're embarrassed... but once the cashier has it in her hand... it's all worth while.

   My curiosity and common sense are arguing again.

   Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?" Me: "Because... you caught up to me."

   Sometimes it feels like the world is a giant bird and I'm just a freshly washed car.

   Sometimes a lil weed is all you need.

   the girl told me she loves baby showers so I jizzed on her face totally misunderstood

   People who don't know what they want should not use the drive thru!

   + me on Google+, friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, connect with me on LinkedIn, but whatever you do --- do not talk to me in person.

   It doesn't matter how much you shout and yell at appliances they never listen to you!!!!

   My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma

   Someone asked me for my mobile number today, l don't know, I never call myself

   I had a real shot of becoming famous and getting my own episode on Hoarders, But then my Wife cleaned up after me.