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Fellas: No woman will bother going after your heart if all you talk about is how fat your bank account is and how big your d*ck is. You sell what you advertise. 
When I die , I want to be buried with a ring of toasters or egg beaters around me . then when they dig me up 1000`s of years from now the archeologists will say "wow we stumbled apon someone of great importance"
Years ago, my band gigged with a band of morons. The first thing they said to me was, "We're gonna blow you off the stage." I told them, "In that case, right here would be fine."
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
finally a Godfather! But I'm going to let the kid call me God for short
Girl, I will stay with you through thick and thin…. but preferably thin.
You really don't have to say much for me to say, "I'll drink to that!"
Women need to learn that "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who are trying to bone you.
Math questions are so dumb! They're like "if you have 30 chocolate bars and you eat 29, what do you have left?" OH I don't know how bout diabetes!!
I have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake and I like it :-)
money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?
wonders what would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
I don't care who the hell you are, you fall, I will laugh.
Mom, you know I love you, but I am not adding you on facebook.
I admit I am from the old school, but since when did bathrooms become photobooths?
Never tell a woman to shut up, just kiss her damnit.
You know you have been SINGLE enough when you start making up abbreviations of the word SINGLE like the loser below.
The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress
The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. 