Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There was a chilled beer in the fridge and a note, "Don't drink me." Now there's an empty tin and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   i can take any amount of pain ecxept for stubbing my toe thats worse then chinese torture.

   Please don't wish me sweet dreams, I am diabetic.

   Don't judge a a person on some crap that you heard about their past. If you wasn't in it then it's none of your business.!!!

   It' s impossible to sneak Oreos out of this loud & sticky package they're in. Damn you Nabisco!!

   I'm curious how many of you are Austrian boys. Show of Hans?

   Ghetto word of the day : Omelet I shoulda slapped da fu*k outta yo a$$ but omelet dat sh!t slide dis time! 

   Ladies don't request a guy with a big d*ck and try to limit how deep he can go! You're in violation!!!!!

   Facebook starting drama since 2004.

   If a mute swears, does his mother was his hands with soap??

   Dollar goes in, soda comes out. Only possible explanation? Aliens.

   Ladies; don't judge a man on some sh*t that you heard about his past. If you wasn't in it then it's none of your business.

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for 35 million. Now looks like the ideal time to sell my dusty old CD towers for 9 million dollars.

   Look out. The first song I heard today was Eye Of The Tiger. It scored my "looking for my car keys and wallet" montage.

   Dear Tampax... a few thoughts.. World peace.. Vibrating tampons... you're welcome.

   I wish I could commute to work by roller-coaster....

   I wonder if Busta Rhymes texts with no spaces...

   This really works, 1 hold your breath for one hour. 2 die

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of!

   I never eat in hospital cafeterias. I'm always afraid they'll try to poison me to amp up business.