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15% of men see " <3 " as a heart. 85% see " <3 " as a party hat on boobs. 
Saw a lady in line at grocery store... Could tell she was single by the ammount of cat food she bought
Texting+Facebook=Textbook. So..., I'm studying?
your shoes so cheap, you click'em three times and you end up in a crackhouse
hears Gold dropped 104.00 per ounce today...let's start working on the economic bail-out package for Mr. T.
iWon't make any lame Steve Jobs jokes
Eminem and Bruno Mars mixed together would a yummy candy bar
i go through my "friends who are on chat" list and see whose on thinking to myself which ones I would have sex with
Most memorable quote by a mother: "Waldo, just where the hell have you been?"
My list of things that are great: bills, traffic, the NBA lockout, the recession, Obama's plans.... Oh! and sarcasm.
I don't like bragging, hipsters, but wearing ugly clothes that don't fit was my thing in 3rd grade. Also dumb glasses and bad music.
Fellas--you CAN be friends with women, but if she's got those eyes that awaken the beast within, then relax and go see a movie by yourself.
Dear Eminem and Bruno Mars - while I really enjoy your new song, I cant help thinking that a 'Sky Full of Lighters' is pretty much a fire hazard just waiting to happen. Didn't think that one through, did you?
"Marriage" - Betting someone half your sh!t that you'll love them forever
a man with a plan. Granted my plan involves beer, strippers and chicken wings but a plan none the less.
why marry and make one woman happy when you can remain single and make many Women Happy........???
I love it when a girl smiles, she looks beautiful but when she makes a duck face... honestly, she looks like a duck
It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect.
Prostitutes are born when you give goodwill all your slutty clothes.
I go to the liquor store and stock up for hurricanes almost every other weekend.
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