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Turns out, no matter how many Oreos you can fit into your mouth at one time, this doesn't need to come up in a job interview. 
A surprise party is a great way to show your woman how awesome you are at lying to her face
Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that's their own fault.
Like for Ron Paul 2012 Dislike For Obama 2012
Dear Hurricane Irene: Don't disappoint me like the " Rapture" a few months ago. Their are only so many times I'm willing to sit naked on my deck with a cigar expecting the "end times". Bring It, you stinky b!tch. I made potato salad.....
I saw a man in a dress, with a hearing aid, smoking a joint. One of those high deaf TVs.
♫♪♫♪ Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye ♪♪♫♫ Come on, Irene♫♪♪
I noticed the storm track seems to be somewhere between the moon and New York City!
As a show of support for all my friends effected by or responding to Hurricane Irene, I am currently sitting in a washer set to spin............
How is being married like a hurricane? There is a lot of blowing at first, but sooner or later your gonna lose your house.
my smart phone is the dumbest in its class!
Got my passport application forms back today. Apparently in the Place of Birth section:"between my mother's legs" isn't an acceptable answer!!!
Google refuses to give churches the same discounts as other non-profits. Apparently they believe in the separation of church and search
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
The hurricane is losing strength, damn. I was hoping for a new boat in my front yard.
for your information, I only had 1 winekiller captain buzzcooler!
the worst part about volunteering at a multiple personality disorder meeting is the time it takes filling out all the name tags
Did you hear? Hurricane Irene is going to slam into New York City like Lindsay Lohan slamming into the sidewalk in front of a nightclub.
I'm about to head to the bar and pretend to be blind so women will let me touch their faces.... good times... 