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Dear Michele Bachmann, Hurricane Irene was a warning from God... That you SHOULDN'T run for President in 2012. Best Regards. 
My friend posted on Facebook saying, "Rhianna is the greatest artist evar <<<<3" For some reason she got annoyed when I said, "No way, Chris Brown beats Rhianna any day!"
Do you think maybe I could save even more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico didn't waste so much f*cking money on commercials?
You want a perfect girl? Go buy a Barbie.
Fellas: Silence doesn't always mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
"I wasn't that drunk" 'Dude, you were in my closet yelling "Where's Narnia"
Be a fountain, not a drain.
Strong are those that accept the nothing they get and then mold it into something.
Mom: I found this condom while I was cleaning your room. Are you sexually active? Girl: No. I just lay there.
A five year old asked, “Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was?” Mommy replied, “Yes, but only for a minute.”
anyone's Facebook acting strange today? Mine just tried to fondle me....
Thank god I found the good in goodbye because I went through hell from the moment I said hello.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumba$$ put my cape on backwards.”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
If i'm weird with you, it means I'm comfortable with you.
Sometimes I can't blame these women for spying, stalking and researching on some of you men. Most of you be LMAO too much. LMAO as in Lying My A$$ Off.
I discovered a new hidden talent, making women cry.
Instead of saying, "Happy Birthday!" I'm going to start saying "Happy annual celebration of your successful escape from the womb."
Ladies: Sometimes it's the mind games you play, that drive him into the arms of another woman.
Looks like Jay-Z finally found that 100th problem. 