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Ladies: If a guy ever tells you he's “crazy” about you, then you better believe it because we rarely use words like that. 
Men dont lie; they just tell you what you want to hear.
Wondering if Nancy Grace's hair will actually move when she starts dancing on "dancing with the stars" or if it really is just a blonde helmet
How many of you cowards would go deer hunting if the deer could shoot back?
well if you need more space then join NASA baby.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner
If your rent is paid, your cell service isn't shut off, your neighbour has paid his wi-fi bill and you got weed money, then you have your sh*t together.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I'd pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, "Keep the change you filthy animal."
I wouldn't know how to act if Mr. T approached me and he was nice, I would be hella confused
Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check. Hope we're even
I sure do feel a hell of alot more attractive at walmart than I do at the gym
Marijuana is illegal....but so is the music on your iPod
Someone called me Psycho, but I think they really meant Psychic!
A secret is something you tell to one person at a time.
Having a dog is like having an alarm system that stains your floors.
❒Single ❒Taken ✔ Unable to find love because my standards have been set unrealistically high after mentally dating a celebrity.
Dear ASPCA,Why don't you use the money you spend on airing that same commercial to feed those animals.Yours truly ,Pissed off TV Viewer.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."
VMA recap: Lady GaGa came in as a man. Nicki Minaj came as Lady GaGa, and Jay-z came in Beyonce
It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea 