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All good things come to those you hate. While you sit and wonder why this is true, the one you hate is enjoying their life while you just sit there and wonder why. 
When non-smokers come to My house, I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke.
My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.
There's no better person to have as your friend than a bartender who doesn't give a f*ck.
I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them.
I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you're low on ammunition.
Hey, I found your nose, it was in my business again!
it just me or has the iPhone gone from spell correction to straight up "no no you would much prefer THIS random word" correction?
Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.
I shouldn't have to watch out for kids at play. They should have to watch out for my car. What other responsibilities do they have?
If you're easily offended, you'll want to skip over the post below... Actually, just skip all of mine. I don't want DoucheBags reading them anyway.
Notices that should be on packaging #1 "I said open the OTHER end you daft twat... Now get a dust pan and brush"
I drugged my coffee with steroids so now it's strong enough to kick your ass!
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.
If you're doing it right, someone will say you're doing it wrong.
MTV Cribs is a nice reminder that we all act like complete idiots when we come into money.
A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!
Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. If your man needs pills to get it up, maybe you are not as sexy as you assumed.
"I want to drink a lot of vodka but I also want to look pretentious." - Inventor of the Martini. 