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Someone probably choked to death on food in the Death Star cafeteria and everyone thought it was Vader doing it. 
In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger
I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!
You think your having a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.
I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.
I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
me: sorry but I just can’t sugarcoat this my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
If they want to reopen all the schools they should also reopen the White House for school field trips just to be fair.
Its not that I'm heartless, its that I'm using my heart less.
Twitter - A great place to post all your thoughts and hope someone, anyone, reads them.
If you're upset with a 200 year old statute and not the 70 murders in the US last weekend, you need to refocus your anger...
I'll tell you. White privilege didn't exist in the high school Phys. Ed. locker room when the bIack guys were around. 