Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When I was your age, I didn't even know what drugs were!" The robot slaps the dad. Mom: "Haha! He's definitely YOUR son!" The robot slaps the mom.

   -A dad buys a lie detector robot, which slaps people when they lie.. so he decides to test it out a dinner. Dad: "Son, where were you today?" Son: "I was at school." The robot, slaps the boy. Son: "Okay Okay, I did drugs with a friend!" ... Dad: "What! Wh

   Thinks there was more white trash at the Toby Keith concert than in the dumpster behind a paper plate factory

   Here, put these floaties on your ankles ...

   nailing Jello to a tree isn't hard. Freeze it. Adapt and overcome.

   Hell no I don't use a Loofah in the shower....I use a Man-Sponge!!...There's a difference lol

   Dear Jäger I think we need to stop seeing each other...."Maybe we have too much in common.  We are too much alike." If the phone doesn't ring, it's probably me....

   Dear Colonel Gaddafi: If you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks....May I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber, Casey Anthony and the Octomom

   everybody hates it when their job blows...but love it the other way round.

   Just left Disney resort to Orlando airport on the Disney's magical express.. Yeah right the magic here is the break I will have on my mastercard

   I swear everytime I hear the new tempur pedic commercial all I can think of is "ask me about my weiner" from Accepted!!!

   7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5, 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

   Baboons: They are the loudest, most obnoxious, most vicious and least intelligent of all the primates. What is a group of baboons called? A CONGRESS.

   I keep seeing these commercials for Coors beer with the cans that have these blue bars on them that tell you when they are cold. Back in my drinking days, I just felt the can. Are people really that stupid these days?

   I tell my kids that when the ice cream man is playing music, he is out of ice cream.

   I hate when someone tags me at the donut shop and I am supposed to be running

   Don't say forever if what you mean is for a few weeks.

   It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. -Tyler Durden

   I know I love you because I fight most with the people I love – is the biggest bullsh*t ever.

   Waiting for you to find me hiding in the closet so you can pee yourself when I jump out screaming