Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A friend is someone who borrows your stuff and gives it back. A best friend is someone who has a closet full of your stuff which they don't intend on giving back.

   Before sex, you help each other get naked.. After sex, you only dress yourself.. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once your f*cked!

   You know that hole in the glass at the movie theater that you talk through to get your tickets? I think that's called an askhole.

   I'm a fighter not a lover, but I will love for what I fought.

   Hurting someone who really cares you is as easy as throwing stone in the lake, but you will never know how deep that stone goes

   "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a$$holes." ~William Gibson

   Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

   Wake up, wake up, wake up it's the 1st of the month To get up, get up, get up so cash your checks and get up Wakin' up feelin' buzzed off up early mornin' stretchin' I'm yawnin' lightweight bent chugga lugga take a fifth to the dome Instead I kick it wit

   I'm a lover not a fighter, but I will fight for what I love

   I have finally just accepted all my invitations to connect on LinkedIn. Now I wait. With my pants off.

   Who else puts LOL or LMAO or ROFL knowing good and damn well your sitting there with a straight face.

   Internet connection failed!: □ Wait patiently. ✔ Rape the refresh button.

   Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old… as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

   I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn't a kind of drink

   Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

   In dog beers…I've only had one.

   Today I saw a baby with a onesie that said "Mommy only wanted a backrub."

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, I'll still have to buy christmas gifts..

   So the wife and I went to Bed Bath & Beyond ,,, and we got a new toilet brush, I tried it out,,,, Yadda..Yadda..Yadda...I think I'm going to stick with toilet paper

   My sleep number is a fat blunt