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Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma. 
Poodles aren't as absorbent as they look.
sure I can see the glass as half full,,,of crap!
Even my pet rock has followers on Twitter proving that Twitter is for retards.
3 Tampons are walking down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra. Which one says "Hello"? None, they're all stuck up c**ts!!!
Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them !!
No matter what I do, I cannot get any kudos from my girlfriend. If I walked on water she'd say, "What, you can't swim?"
The only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have any sugar in it.
I am not looking for a Princess, I am just waiting for a woman who thinks I am a prince.
Attention womanizer! Myspace is the best place to hide your secret from your love ones!
When a guy opens the door of his car for a girl, you can be sure of one thing, either the girl is new or the car is.
My girl told me she was miserable in our relationship. She said she lost 10 lbs. I asked her if it was over and she said, "Not yet, I want to lose 15."
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Ex-lover is short for Expired Lover.
My wife is decorating our kitchen in a Cartoon Theme. She loves what I just got her for her birthday- The Official Scooby Doo Rofl Iron. Your Relcome Honey!
Choose what you love and then learn to live with your choice.
Life is funny. Well ok, just My life. Ok everyone please stop LOL-ing,ROFL-ing, and LMMAO-ing. Thank you
Teacher: "What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?" Smartass: "Pull down its genes."
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don't know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof. 