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Just got fired from SuperCuts for suggesting we change our name to 'Shut the hell up. You're at the Mall. What did you Expect?'' 
The human race as a species is done. People are actually thinking Nicolas Cage is a vampire. Hooray for civilization.
Today a 5 foot tall grashopper spit in my face, I went to my doctor and he did tell me he heard there was a really nasty bug going around
You wanna see awesome? Go to the nearest mirror and make eye contact with the eyes that look back at you :)
My mind has gone wandering. If you find it, please tell it to come home, and to bring cookies!
Adam and Eve had an ideal relationship. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam's mother cooked.
best kind of woman to have is someone eleses.
Does your a$s ever get jealous of all the sh!t that comes out of your mouth?
I just saw that Lion King is being rereleased in Blu-Ray 3D..... Yeah thats just what I want to see! Mufasa plumiting to his death in 3D!
If I ever saw someone do some of the things I do, I'd be horrified.
The original plan for Mount Rushmore was to have them all making out with each other.
That's the second un-manly thing you did today...
Your life is none of my business, but if it was, I would sell it.
GIRLS DAD: "Don't let him touch you", BOYS DAD: "Get in there son."
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
people who make the wrong thing always complain about everything and everybody!
When life becomes boring it simply mean you're not living it right.
Never introduce her to your money before you introduce her to yourself.
What did the slut's left leg say to the slut's right leg? "Nothing" They've never met.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be the stupidest person I know! 