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Sunglasses; they allow you to stare at people without being caught.. 
it would be pretty sweet if reposts came with audio set to the Price is Right Losing Horn.
When I see some people on Twitter/Facebook, then see them in person, I realize, ohhhh they use the new skin cream called Adobe Photoshop.
Sometimes you gotta remind the hen who the rooster is.
I've fallen down the stairs before. I don't see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
I like to like things on facebook I don't like so I can unlike them.
You know you're short when you can see your feet in your driver's license!
When a cop pulls you over for doing 32 in a 30, I dont advise calling him a Nazi, unless you are looking for 3 square meals a day and a shower, fml
I got accepted into my freinds "Recipie Exchange" here on facebook. I'm gonna start posting lots of pictures of Road Kill for my ingredients!
Only with my mother could me saying "getting old sucks" be heard as "getting oral s*x".
No trust in a relationship is like a car with no gas. You can stay in it as long as you want but you aren't going anywhere.
I pretend to work.They pretend to pay me.
I wear knit hats because its cold outside, you wear knit hats because of Coldplay
i don't understand why people fly virgin airlines, why would you want to fly on an airlines that doesn't go all the way
I have a low tolerance for pain... but the up side I can endure A LOT of pleasure.
A great relationship is based on two main principles. First, appreciate your similarities and second, respect your differences.
We all have that one friend we used to get wicked and do crazy stuff with but then they suddenly flipped on us and overnight became a hardcore religious nut and now can't hang out together due to spiritual differences.
what started out as a joke, ended up me sleeping on the stairs for 2 hours.
how come the bus driver is the only one with a seatbelt?
just shaved my facebook 