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If your rent is paid, your cell service isn't shut off, your neighbour has paid his wi-fi bill and you got weed money, then you have your sh*t together. 
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I'd pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, "Keep the change you filthy animal."
I wouldn't know how to act if Mr. T approached me and he was nice, I would be hella confused
Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check. Hope we're even
I sure do feel a hell of alot more attractive at walmart than I do at the gym
Marijuana is illegal....but so is the music on your iPod
Someone called me Psycho, but I think they really meant Psychic!
A secret is something you tell to one person at a time.
Having a dog is like having an alarm system that stains your floors.
❒Single ❒Taken ✔ Unable to find love because my standards have been set unrealistically high after mentally dating a celebrity.
Dear ASPCA,Why don't you use the money you spend on airing that same commercial to feed those animals.Yours truly ,Pissed off TV Viewer.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."
VMA recap: Lady GaGa came in as a man. Nicki Minaj came as Lady GaGa, and Jay-z came in Beyonce
It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee
This girl got all pissed off at me because I was reading the back of her pants......so what if I was trying to read it in braille
Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors anyway...the whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f**king have any
Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen Noodles
Why haven't they proved/disproved the myth "Once you go black you never go back" on Myth Busters?
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
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