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If I ever saw someone do some of the things I do, I'd be horrified. 
The original plan for Mount Rushmore was to have them all making out with each other.
That's the second un-manly thing you did today...
Your life is none of my business, but if it was, I would sell it.
GIRLS DAD: "Don't let him touch you", BOYS DAD: "Get in there son."
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
people who make the wrong thing always complain about everything and everybody!
When life becomes boring it simply mean you're not living it right.
Never introduce her to your money before you introduce her to yourself.
What did the slut's left leg say to the slut's right leg? "Nothing" They've never met.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be the stupidest person I know!
This new Facebook crap is making my head spin...and I'm feeling a little nauseous. If I start levitating off my bed in my sleep, and peeing on the floor in the middle of parties...I'm suing......................
If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results
I missed Obama's speech....Someone please tell me there will be a rebroadcast translation of Obama's speech into Pirate speak this afternoon??
Ass kissing has never been my thing and never will be..i'll chew broken glass before I kiss ass.
I'm a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor's trash so you don't get robbed.
I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.
I like my men how I like my kit Kat - chunky
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