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girls are like math, if there under 13 do them in your head. 
It never ceases to amaze me how people will try to bring you down when you're on your way up. Two words for those soul suckers, fah q!
I coulda swore I just heard my Rice Krispies say "The f#kk dude? It's dinner time"
If I ever get arrested.......again..... My one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there......again.
Either you love bacon or you're wrong
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
If I text with "Almost there!" I haven't left yet.
I'm not the only one that drives to work hoping its a crime scene, am I?
Hey Facebook.. Your new "From Earlier Today Section" Suuuucks! Its doesn't even go in the correct time! 10mins ago.. 4hrs ago.. 2hrs ago.. 8mins ago...Wtf?!
Don't you hate it when you tell your kid "9 a clock time for bed" and they say " no it is only 8:58 "!!!
What has 50 legs and smells like urine? The Conga line at the nursing home's "Annual Harvest Moon Dance".
Her legs spread so easily...I can't believe its not butter...
If you can rate this with your tounge you're a great kisser ;)
Two peanuts are walking down the street, and one is assaulted...
Like sands through the hourglass, Facebook wastes the days of our lives.
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.
After years of watching CSI, I still have never figured out why, when they walk into a dark house, they do their investigation with flashlights. One would think you could do a more thorough job if you flipped on the light.
When it comes to certain people. The best part of them is the part that ran down their daddy's leg. 