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Baseball World Records: Most Home Runs: Barry Bonds RBI's: Hank Aaron Career Batting Streak: Joe DiMaggio Most Innings Pitched: Cy Young Hit In The Face With The Most Balls: Justin Bieber 
I assume aliens love oral since they only abduct humans without teeth.
I may be old but I got to see all the cool bands
If you know anyone who's mute and has a neck brace, ask them as many yes or no questions as possible.
I've had 4 cups of coffee in the past hour and now I look like I have Parkinson's.
I distrust camels and other things that can go a week without a drink.
The cover of my book will be a sledge hammer about to crush a engagment ring! That, or a close-up of me in a fetal position sucking my thumb.
I'm so glad girls haven't figured out the power they wield just by greeting me with "Hey you."
The first time sleeping over a girl's place is always awkward 'cause I have to explain who I am, how I got in, & why I'm crying...still single
I wonder if Jack Lalane was buried, cremated, or "juiced"?
Words to live by: Never leave a cake out in the rain. It took so long to bake it, and you may never have that recipe again,
Thinking about moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
i asked God to protect me from my enemines. Then all of a sudden I started losing "friends".
I think Mark Zuckerberg is in my frikin laptop laughing... My Facebook is changing back and forth!!!! :-/
you know your high when you wait for a stop sign to change color.
I met this Chinese guy named Ho Lee Chit... (^_^)
I put my phone on airplane mode then threw it accross the room..Worst transformer ever!
what happened to the days when you would date someone because you actually wanted a future with them.. now and days people just date because they want someone cute by there side. i'd date with my eyes close, and let there personality shape there beauty.
My parents accused me of being a liar. So I looked them straight in the eye and said "Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, Easter Bunny." And walked away like a boss 