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@Jesus! We come here to find funny things to show our sense of humor, not to say we wrote them ourselves. You need a personality! 
Listen seatbelt...I need you in an emergency situation, not when I reach for something in the cupholder.
The most dangerous animal you never want to come across on the African Safari is an American tourist.
I've decided that I'll never get down to my original weight, and I'm OK with that--After all, 6 pounds 2 oz. is just not realistic.
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Which proves that happy people are really f***ing lazy.
Want people to pay more attention to you? Carry a giant axe.
How many terrible mistakes can you make before you're officially a bad person? It's like 70, right?
Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”
I'm on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
~ Alright everyone put on your Happy Face! It's time for the HAPPY FRIDAY BOOTY SHAKE! (_/_)(_l_)(_\_)(_l_)(_/_)(_\_) Have a great weekend!
Someday, I hope to disappoint a burglar with my one and only possession. A kitchen drawer filled with Taco Bell sauce packets.
A mom knows everything about her kids...their favorite foods, friends, clothes, their school reports and their dreams. A dad is vaguely aware that there are some short people staying in the house with him.
Why do you ladies feel it necessary to manipulate a man to get what you want?? Well, lol...we buy you a drink cuz we think your thirsty!!
Just bought the wife a solar powered vibrator, seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it should save me a fortune on batteries.
I went to a Gay picnic once , the music was good , decorations were just lovely . The Beer was cold , hamburgers were just delicious but the hot dogs tasted like crap .
Things to do in a public restroom... "Say peek a boo, I see you!" to the person in the next stall just to see what happens
Well I just watched Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" in the middle of the night on my night off all by myself. I'm not scared or anything but I wish my wife were awake so she could walk me to the bathroom. That's ok though....I can hold it.
It's completely pointless when someone says "don't forget to save room for cake." There's always room for cake. Always.
Nasa found a planet that has two suns. The fact that it's named Kepler-16b instead of Tatooine is a travesty. I bet Lucas threatened to sue.
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