Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Remember that your glass is always half full...if not...HEY BARTENDER!!!

   zombie rule #57 - you cannot armbar a zombie.

   it rude to throw an Altoid in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I've been drunk texting and drunk calling and drunk emailing people all night and I'm not even drunk.

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(

   I just renamed my external hard drive "That Thang", so when I plug it in to the computer it asks me - Would You Like To Back "That Thang" up?

   Who told women they could be the judge on what a real man is?

   I use to LOOOOOVEEE kissing................until I got some head

   If CVS and Walgreens sold gas, they would be perfect

   Why does the weather man try and educate me on mother nature? Bro, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow... hoodie or jacket...

   I really think I am gonna get a knock on my front door one day and the person saying "We have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"

   The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?

   I hope Jerry Jones is driving the stagecoach when the Cowboys organization finally pulls it together and sends Romo off into the sunset.

   no! I will not dress all fancy shmancy just to go to wal mart

   I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!

   A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men's sexual health. So start hitting the gym, ladies.

   That uneasy moment when you get into a van and there isn't any candy...

   We all want the shining red apple at the top of the tree, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's already lying on the ground.

   Going to a strip club when your married is like going to mercedes dealership and not being able to to take one home.

   I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say 'I would do anything for love'. On the back, 'But I wont do that!'