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Programmed a random destination into my GPS this morning, and just drove all around today making her recalculate my route. I suspect vulgarity soon, or she'll just stop talking to me. 
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even f*cking sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm that drunk.
Did you know if you ask a hairstylist for the "Bieber" They'll shave off all your pubes?
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
child beauty pageants..these mothers are insane..thats my OPINION..!!!!
If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying.
I just drank 3 cups of coffee with 2 Ambien. Now I am tired of being awake.
So, we are allowed to pee in our own showers, just not other people's showers. Check. My neighbor is never looking at me the same, is he?
I already know this is going to be a disaster. I pregret this.
I don't want a job...i just want money.
MAN RULE 104: No man should ever whisper in another man's ear.
Some women need to walk around with a stripper pole to match their outfit.
You know you got it bad when you steal WiFi from a church.
Only Fat people follow KFC on twitter.
MAN LAW 103: No man should EVER sit on the toilet just to pee.
They say fat people need love too. No they need a DIET!
Dear Skoal Tobacco Co: Can you please come up with a pouch with a 50/50 mix of tobacco and coffee grounds? Thanks
Bluntception: A blunt inside of a blunt, takes 5minutes to roll & over an hour to smoke. 