Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't hate people, I just feel better when they're not around.

   I named my dog life because she is a b!tch too.

   My optic nerve crossed with my a$$hole, and gave me a sh*tty outlook on life.

   Sex is like music: for every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

   The next time I go ice skating, I'm slamming someone against a wall and yelling, "Go Ducks!!"

   the only way you can be better than me is that you actually wrap yourself in bacon

   You wanna know how my day's going? I have a convertible and a bird, well, you know the rest.......................

   A pregnant prostitute went to a doctor and he asked, “Do you know who the father is?” She replied, “Well, if you ate a can of baked beans, do you know which one made you fart?”

   MAN RULE 102: No man shall describe another man as cute or handsome.

   Side-Chick-Text: “You just deleted my post on your Facebook wall. Why are you trying to hide me?”

   Seriously, Why the f*ck would you give somebody 244 years in prison?

   I need a guy to give me a hug and say " Sorry my whole gender sucks"

   MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

   ill show my neighbor where to stick his subwoofer, bass or whatever he has...ill turn the volume up all the way this time

   some @$$hole said I'm not a ppl person

   Today's sh!tty attitude is proudly sponsored by the alarm clock.

   seeing a women breast feeding is like seeing an eclipse, its rare, its beautiful... but what ever you do, dont stare at it...

   I didn't say it was the best sex I ever had,I said you did your best.

   You can't say 'Happiness' without saying 'Penis'

   What a tattoo on your face really means: "I've gone as far in society as I'd like to."