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Eskimo marriages have increased at least tenfold due to global warming. The main reason is that young couples are finding it easier to break the ice. 
I hate when people text me.."Hey Stranger? How are you?" Clearly I'm not a stranger if you have my cell phone #!
I hate people who keep whining over their pointless self-created, self-inflicted and never-ending drama.
Did you ever think that maybe there is more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good looking?
Wouldn't it be awesome if Steve revive in 2 days?
Steve Jobs dies....Hmmm...That's even more jobs lost during Obama's watch.
Women who keep complaining that All guys are the same should tell us something - Who asked you to try them all?
Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.
just purchased one of those anti-bullying bracelets to show support, Okay, Fine I didn't buy it. I stole it from a short, fat, little Ginger kid
iMac, iPod, iPhone, iCloud, iPad and today... iSad
going to a halloween party with my girlfriend. I'm weraing nothing but a skillet tied around my waist and she's wearing nothing but a pair of boots. Going as Peter Pan and Puss in Boots.
Sarah Palin: "A presidenty run would halter my abilitation to share common-sense smartitudes in a time of economical fizzle splatz."
Women; because its not gonna suck itself
Whenever a women's magazine has a "Sex Tips to Drive Him Wild!" article, it always just says "Put your finger up his butt."
That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.
Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don't kill him.”
Zebras are just living, breathing barcodes.
Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.
whats the difference between "Batman" and a "Blackman"? well Batman can always walk into a store without "Robin"
You might be a redneck if : the Halloween pumpkin on you porch has more teeth than your spouse . 