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has been celebrating Columbus Day by walking into my neighbors homes and telling them that I live there now......... 
I can tell my girlfriend's Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them.
I patiently wait, after posting a humorous status message on facebook, for the first "Debbie Downer" to come along who completely doesn't get it, then posts a comment which totally destroys the joke
well at least Quikflix lived up to its name.
My girl and I are like oil and vinegar. Not meant to go together. But shake us up and, hell I dunno, put us on your salad.
Paul McCartney is going to be pissed when he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife.....
Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.
You better hope my wildest dreams don't come true.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
who cleans up after seeing eye dogs?
Celebrating Columbus Day by walking into some stranger's house and telling them I live there now.
When ever my wife says I got you something,i think"great what kind of useless thing did you buy me with my money"...
How come when your wife's pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!!!!!
Gynecologists work at the gap.
...I just dropped a handful of skittles in the toilet and flushed..... it was like watching a Nascar race @ Bristol
...Unique is an understatement, I'm just plain ol' messed up.
Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better...
Why is "Children in need" always towards christmas time? Having to give gifts to the kids I already know is hard enough, but I have worked it out, their more happy with an empty box then the gift...
Waking up after a night out and knowing you could write The Hangover 3.
U know I bet people would become a lot nicer if they sold people tags like they sell deer tags. Once a year you can buy a tag and take out that 1 special person 